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尼斯湖飲水怪🦕 - #long text
#長文 可惜我是金牛座，大概永遠學不會赤裸裸表達需求和感情。 就像伸手要東西會不好意思，總假裝自己不需要或可有可無，卻又期待有人看穿我，把那朵玫瑰小心翼翼遞過來，下意識想到我。 有時候真討厭自己擰巴的性格。 你做了讓我不開心的事，我總喜歡一個人生悶氣，遮遮掩掩不願把問題擺到明面上，獨自沈默悲傷，卻特別希望你快點看穿我，察覺我的情緒不對。 我一直提醒自己不要說反話，不要沒有安全感，安全感是自己給的，可我從來沒做到過。我就是個敏感矛盾的人，磕磕絆絆表達，卻無法改變，這才是真的我，比誰都清楚。 我和誰都走不遠，不是不想，是不能。 我太需要被填滿了，像個永遠漏水的容器：需要對方時時刻刻證明愛意，從早到晚的消息，妥帖安放的分享欲，一個眼神就懂的默契。 當這些不夠滿不夠多，心裡的空洞就開始呼嘯，冷得發疼。於是我砌牆，用冷漠、反話、突然的沈默。 最需要擁抱時轉身，渴望輓留時說“你走吧”，把試探當武器，推開當驗證。心裡吶喊”快看穿我！快抱緊我這個口是心非的騙子”，表面卻只剩更硬的殼。 沒人會永遠有耐心，撬開一層又一層堅硬外殼，解讀正話反說的密碼。 #长文 Unfortunately, I am a Taurus and will probably never learn to express my needs and feelings nakedly. It's like being embarrassed to reach out for something, always pretending that you don't need it or being dispensable, but expecting someone to see through me, carefully hand over the rose, and subconsciously think of me. Sometimes I really hate my naughty personality. You did something that made me unhappy. I always like to be sulky alone, hiding things and not wanting to bring the problem to light, being silent and sad alone, but I especially hope that you will see through me quickly and notice that my mood is wrong. I keep reminding myself not to speak sarcastically and not to feel insecure. The sense of security is given by myself, but I have never done it. I am a sensitive and contradictory person, struggling to express myself, but unable to change. This is the real me, and I know it better than anyone else. I can't go far with anyone, it's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't. I need to be filled so much, like a container that is always leaking: I need the other person to prove my love all the time, messages from morning to night, a well-placed desire to share, and a tacit understanding that can be understood with just one look. When these are not enough, the hole in my heart begins to roar, and it becomes so cold that it hurts. So I built walls with indifference, irony, and sudden silence. Turn around when you need a hug most, say "let's go" when you want to stay, use temptation as a weapon, and push away as verification. I screamed in my heart, "Hurry up and see through me! Hurry up and hug me, this duplicitous liar." But on the surface, only a harder shell remained. No one will always have the patience to pry open layer after layer of hard shell and decipher the code of truth and paradox.
